you only get today once.

I am a first born. Apparently Type A. Goal-oriented, conscientious, controlling, multi-tasker and have high expectations of myself and others. I like order. I like predictability. Schedules and routines make me happy. I need control. I analyze behaviour and make plans to change and control them for a living. Really.

My 6 month old baby is well, a baby. When he is awake, he is usually cheerful, giggly, curious and drooling. He is adorable but he is not predictable.

 I need to leave the house, he poops up to his armpits.
I want him to take the bottle, he refuses. I buy every bottle that other moms said worked for their baby, he still refuses. Maybe I can start growing plants in my collection of bottles.
I want him to nurse. He rather suck on his toes instead.
I need him to take a long nap, he is wide awake after 10 minutes...it's more like a long blink than a nap.
I crave a long uninterrupted night of sleep. He wants to nurse all night.
I wish I could sleep in. He doesn't want to miss a sunrise.

I have had an epiphany. It was about a week or so ago. I was in tears. I wanted Noah to fall asleep on his own. He wanted to nurse and snore in my arms. I didn't let him fall asleep and put him in his crib awake and apparently really mad. I was listening to him wail and feeling like the wicked witch of the west. I wanted to go pick him up but that was against The Plan. The Plan said let him cry, go in after 15 minutes and pat him for 2 minutes and then leave. Then listen to him wail for 20 minutes and think about how this is for his own good.  The Plan said it is just a simple case of extinguishing an undesired behaviour.

My dear husband could tell this was agonizing for me and said ever so eloquently, "He's not a lab rat or a case study. He's just a freaking baby. He doesn't need a behaviour analyst right now, he just needs his mom"

And something clicked for me. Yes, he is a baby. He's my baby. He's my gift from God and I get to be his mommy. He is not a client in need of a behaviour plan. He is a baby in need of a cuddles and kisses and right now middle of the night and early morning feedings when I wish I was sleeping. I realize that there are many circumstances of motherhood that I can't control. And believe me, I tried so, so, so hard to control them. Again and again, I was unable to make my baby do what I wanted when I wanted that the joy in being his mom had vanished. This is not OK.

 You only get this day once. My baby will never fit into his newborn clothes again, he doesn't sleep for hours on my chest anymore. He will only be 6 months old for a few more weeks. I will read this in a year and only have memories of what it was like to have a 2.5 year old toddler and a 6 month old. I want those memories to be cherished ones.
Today will never happen again. I can't go back and wish I was more patient, more spontaneous, more care-free and less neurotic. You only get today once.

I'm going to go cuddle my kids and make this a good day.

Operation Noah Recovery: day 4

Dear Noah

It has been one crazy week. You sister had to go to the doctor last Thursday after 10 days of amoxicillin to make sure she was getting over her viral illness. That day you had a little cough but you were still smiling and happy and she said, "Oh, he will get worse before gets better. I bet you will be seeing me with him next week". Oh wow, did she ever predict it.

your sister at the doctor

On Saturday you woke up with green goop going out of your eyes and your cough was worsening. You were up all night and Dad watched Team Canada win gold over while he was trying to soothe your sickly cough at 4:30am. By 7:00am you also had a fever, we were really worried and I took you into the ER at RCH where you were born.

admitted at RCH

They gave you a Ventolin steam mask to help you breathe better and did a chest X ray but the results from the Xray were inconclusive for penumonia. They gave us a Venotin chamber to continue to use at home and said you were OK to go home.  I thought the worst was over.

horrifying X chest machine

On Monday, you started to nurse less and cough more. You vomitted everything that went in your mouth. Your fever kept on coming back. We were getting more and more worried. You slept through the night and didn't wake up for feeds. This is so unlike you.

breaking our hearts to see you so sick

On Tuesday morning, you were very lethargic and any trace of "Noah" had left your eyes. We tried feeding you milk with a syringe. I cried. Tuesday afternoon after over 24 hours of no nursing I took you to Children's hospital. Right after we were assessed, your body crashed. It went from waiting in a room with just me and you to crazy commotion in the room, doctors, nurses, IVs, antibiotics, X rays and a doctor telling us in his calm doctor voice that they were "very concerned" for you. I cried.

The doctor came in and told us you have pneumonia and maybe other horrible things. Then we got moved upstairs. For the next several days, I stayed beside your bed as you endured daily blood work and machines kept monitoring your heart rate, your oxygen intake and an IV worked to reverse the process of dehydration. 

Everyone and I mean everyone prayed for you. 

our ticket outta here!

Today is Saturday. Today is a glorious, joyous day because the doctor weighed you this morning and you have gained weight. You have not had a fever for 2 days. You have not puked for 2 days. You have started nursing since removal of the IV. Your lungs aren't perfect yet but the doctor said you are taking in enough air on your own and keeping medicine down so this means we can go home today!!!

Noah you are so loved. You probably won't remember this entire ordeal but we will. Know that you are much, much loved. Not just by your mom and dad but also your Heavenly Father. He has blessed us with outstanding family and friends that prayed unceasingly. 

We love you so much Noah. 

Come on, let's go home!