So on this day 10 years ago, I made the most significant promise to another human being in my life. I have learned a lot in the past decade, some small truths like it's OK to have two blankets so you don't have to share and some life lessons like not keeping score in marriage because then everyone loses. If in 20 or so years I let my kids go on a date and should they meet someone they want to spend their lives with, I would want them to know these things I have learned in the last 10 years of marriage (of course after thoroughly grilling their potential spouses and threatening bodily harm if they even think of doing anything that would hurt them).
So Natallie and Noah, my prayer for you both is that you will one day meet the person that God has planned for you and you will learn what true, selfless love within a marriage is like. These are ten of the truths of I have learned in the last decade with your daddy....
10. Learn to speak your husband's love language. Natallie & Noah, I know that right now neither of you can read but before you go on a date, I want you to read Gary Chapman's book called
The Five Love Languages. (If you have no idea what I am talking about read
this for a quick synopsis). The two things on my list are (written) words of affirmation and quality time. Quality time is a significant one of my list and the definition of what quality time is has changed in the years we have been married. In the past before you guys were born, I would have said quality time has to be actual meaningful conversation but now if your daddy and I can work together to get through the 101 steps of your crazy bedtime routine so you guys are sleeping when
Arrow or
The Flash starts at 8:00pm and we can crash on the couch together, YES!YES! that counts because it was such an team effort to make that happen and also because by the evening I am so exhausted and have no mental faculties to engage in a meaningful conversation.
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| the best written note I've ever got |
9. Do fun stuff together. So that's kind of an obvious one but the part I learned about is how the definition of what is 'fun' may change and the seasons of life change. For the first 6 years of our marriage before you guys were born, your daddy and I snowboarded almost every snowy Saturday of winter, we literally co-founded
The Saturday Seymour Crew where we hiked up Mt. Seymour with our shovels, built a jump and spent the rest of the day trying to land our snowboard tricks with our friends. In the warmer weather, we went biking, running, surfing, skimboarding, hiking or road-tripping every chance we got. Your daddy was and is my favourite person to do all those things with. In the past 4 years, it has been a lot harder to do the same fun things. We are still learning how to not have it suck the joy out of our marriage but seriously the adventures of toilet-training isn't really comparable to a powder day of backcountry boarding. So sometimes having fun means to change the expectations a little bit like biking the seawall with you guys in your bike trailer and sometimes having fun means leaving you guys with PoPo so we can do something a little more exhilarating. I hope that when you are married that your spouse will always be your best friend and the first person you would choose when you want to do something fun!
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| Saturday Seymour Crew |
8. Laugh through it all. So when we first got married, it wasn't quite as easy to transition into the domestic goddess that I thought instantly would happen. Neither of us could cook and there were a lot of recipe fails. If there was Pintrest back then I would have dominated the #pinterestfail. TWICE I put the recipe book on the element while I waited for the water to boil and then turned on the element the recipe book was on instead of the pot of water. Sadly,
The Joy of Cooking has forever been burned beyond repair. And then there was the time I ran out of dish soap for the dishwasher so I just put in some Dawn dish soap and later watched in disbelief as bubbles poured out of our dishwasher. It was so spectacular, I couldn't stop laughing while Simon was scooping up buckets of bubbles. Oh and did I mention the time I accidentally knocked over the Purex laundry soap as I was leaving the house? By the time I came home the entire Costco size container of blue had infiltrated our beige carpets. I tried to mop up as much as I could but all I could do was take a picture and tell your daddy that a colony of Smurfs had died on our carpet. Sometimes things don't go the way you want it to go. On our wedding day, I thought we would have lots of time to stage some awesome pictures but I didn't factor in how cold it would be wearing a strapless dress and open toed high heels on a snowy December day. We were totally freezing but we had a blast taking pictures in a record breaking 15 minute photo shoot. Take the time to cherish those little moments of joy.
7.Speak well of each other when you are apart. Natallie and Noah, you guys have been to enough play dates to know that us mommies like to talk a lot while you guys are playing and a lot of the times, we talk about you guys and the silly things you do but sometimes we talk about daddy too. I pray that when you are married and when you are with your co-workers and your friends, you will avoid the "my husband/wife never does...." chatter, even if everyone else is throwing in their gripes about the socks on the floor or the toilet seat up. Please try not to dive in with your story. Daddy and I have made a promise to each other that when we are apart we will continue to build each other up instead of tear each other down. It also helps to surround yourselves with friends that also strive to do the same. My bridesmaids were there ten years ago when I made the vow to your daddy and they have stood beside me since keeping me accountable to my promise.
6. Be humble in conflict. Pray for grace. Realize that you are not as perfect as you think you are. So it's true I am your mother and therefore I think you are absolutely perfect. But as much I think you are both perfect, I know that humility goes a long way in marriage. I used to think couples that have good marriages don't have conflict. That's not true, we are learning that there can be grace in conflict.. Three things we try to remember when we are not seeing eye to eye are: seek to understand the other person's view before jumping in with a rebuttal (I suck at this one), refrain from character statements ("you are so ...) and omit absolutes ("you never..." "you always..."). Above all, don't underestimate the power of prayer. Pray for each other and pray with each other.
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| Praying before the wedding ceremony |
5. Let your spouse be your mirror. Natallie, I love it when you put on a pretty dress and your twirl around the house and smile with glee at your reflection. You are so beautiful. One day you will captivate someone's heart and I pray you let him be your mirror even when you don't feel beautiful or worthy. One mistake I've made is to brush off your daddy's compliments because I figured he is my husband he is supposed to say nice things whether its true or not. This was hardest to believe when I was in my whale-like state of third trimester pregnancy or the no-sleep, leaky-boob, puked-on newborn stage. I would scowl at my reflection and your daddy would affirm me that I looked beautiful and I would look at him like I believe that as much as I believed that babies sleep thru the night. I am learning now that accepting his words of affirmation is not just good for me but its good for our marriage too.
4. Love your spouse because they are not just like you. After being married for ten years I have learned in what ways we are alike and in what ways we are not. One thing that drove me crazy was our conflict about sleep. Natallie, you and your daddy are most alike in the way the need what seems like an excessive amount of sleep to function. I don't get it, both Noah and I are able to stay up way past our bed time and still possess our normal brain functions. I used to get so frustrated at him for needing to sleep but now that I see how God has made you and Noah so different I understand its part of who you are. Another thing is that I am super Type A and want everything planned, organized and every Plan A has a back up plan B and C (sometimes D). Your daddy is way more laid-back and dare I say spontaneous and doesn't like schedules. I also tend to worry excessively and get my pre-panic on over everything and your daddy is totally the opposite. I realize God put us together for a reason so when I am freaking out over Plan A not working out and running around like a chicken with its head cut off, your daddy can remain cool as a cucumber and help me unruffled my feathers. I am so glad I am not married to someone just like me.
3. Husbands need some attention too (apparently). Before we had you guys, when your daddy came home from work, I'd make him a snack and I'd ask him how his day was, he would give me some generic man-answer like 'good' and then I would proceed to drill him with 20 open ended questions. It was nice to connect and listen. These days, I am not greeting him with a smile and plate of cookies but I am frantically trying to make supper while you are asking me how to spell Pinkalicious and your brother wants me to read
Goodnight Goodnight Construction site again. I am not very good and ignoring the mayhem and asking your daddy how his day was or if I do ask him, I am so distracted when he answers. Sometimes your daddy literally tells me he went to work with leprechauns and rode on a unicorn over a rainbow to see if I am listening and when I say 'that's nice' he rolls his eyes and walks away. This is still a work in progress for me. When you guys grow up and your have your own house of Littles, I pray you are able to put the kids needs on hold just long enough to acknowledge your spouse and connect and really listen to each other for at least 5 minutes every day.
2.
Remember your vows. Ten years ago, your daddy and I stood all dreamy-eyed at the chapel and promised to love and cherish each other. As I slipped your daddy's ring on his finger, I said,
"I give you this ring as symbol of my unending love and commitment to you. Every time you see it on your hand, and feel it there, remember the promise I am making you today. I promise to be the loving wife that God desires of me and I will love and cherish you more each day the Lord blesses us with." I pray that when you make that promise at the alter, you seek to live it out each day. I pray that when life is not just fantastic dates and candlelit dinners, you hold steadfast to your promise to love and cherish each other. I pray you learn that love is an action and not a feeling. I pray that you learn that true love is steadfast and selfless and not that 'happily ever after' doesn't happen without an unwavering commitment to always put the other person first.
1. Look to the One who is Love. Did you know that the two characteristics of successful marriages boil down to 2 simple things: kindness and generosity. There's scientific
proof that couples who support and encourage each other have longer lasting marriages. Psychologist, John Gottman has found that, "kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage....apparently kindness is the one factor that can determine with 94 percent certainty whether couples—straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not—will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later." So 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 did get it right - love is patient, love is KIND....
So look to the One who exemplifies kindness and generosity like no other. I pray that in your marriage that God is the center and you know He is Love. I pray that you will experience how deep, how vast and how rich love should be.
Can I get an Amen?
