Things I didn't know until I became a mama..

 I didn't know how thrilling it would be to see a grainy blob on the ultrasound screen and know that everything was going to change. I have never been so excited to frame a blurry gray jellybean on the fridge. I also love that the technician labelled it "baby" just in case I did think I was growing a newt or something.

 I also didn't know that somehow pregnant women are able to defy the laws of gravity and I could carry a massive basketball around and not fall flat on my face (at least not every day).

I didn't know it was humanly possible for a relatively petite girl like me to give birth to 8 and 9 lb babies. I also didn't know how quickly you forget how miserable labour is. I remember swearing to myself that Natallie would be an only child during the labour and I would never, ever inflict this much agony upon myself. I also didn't know how different giving birth the second time would be.  With Natallie it was a 30 hour marathon of back labour, puking and being hooked up to every drug the doctors would allow and with Noah, it was a swift 2 hour sprint from the first contraction to holding him in my arms. He was born a mere 45 minutes after parking at the hospital. I also have never been so sad when the nurses told me I was too far along with Noah to have drugs. I wanted to sob when the nurse said no to me. I also don't know who invented soaking maxi pads and freezing them or hideous post-labour panties but I am sure glad someone did.Ha ha.

Natallie a few hours old

Noah a few hours old

There was also a lot I didn't know about nursing. I didn't know that your milk could literally spray across the room. I didn't know that you could wake up with your PJs and the mattress soaked in milk. I didn't know I actually had to nurse every 2 hours.  Really? Baby can't just have a muffin or something before bed and sleep through the night? Maybe one of those high-protein bars that Dad eats? No, really. Just milk? I didn't know that both my kids would reject the bottle despite my unrelenting efforts. I didn't anticipate that for the first few months my babies were literally attached to me. Just making it to the corner store alone as a vacation. I also didn't know that for a nursing mother, you decide what to wear everyday based on what did not already have puke stains on and what would be easiest to pop your boob out of. I never knew how liberating it would feel after that stage to pick an outfit because I actually wanted to wear it rather than it having a big V-neck or convenient buttons. I also didn't anticipate how many bathroom stalls I would be nursing in or scouting private corners like a frenzied hawk everywhere I went. But food is food and when baby is howling and hungry, mom will do anything...including nursing at the top of Mt. Seymour. Been there. Very chilly. Done that.

 I also didn't know that being a mother meant that you didn't get to sleep ever like the way you used to. Starting with the second trimester when the awkward bump, the aches and pains and the never ending urge to pee get you up all night to swinging, bouncing, swaddling and praying that the little infant would just stop exercising his vocal abilities and go back to sleep to searching the house for a beloved stuffed penguin at 3:00am so a little girl would go back to sleep. I also didn't know that when baby is tired though, they will fall asleep literally anywhere. On the tricycle, on the stroller or in the middle of supper with her head in the mashed potatoes. I didn't know I would spend so much time researching and reading every single sleep training book written. Then following The Baby Sleep Law of putting baby to bed awake, closing the door and feeling like The Wicked Witch of the West listening to the wailing on the other side of the door. I remember nursing baby to sleep and feeling totally guilty and wondering if the Sleep Police would come and smite me. I didn't know that I could function (sort of) on little to no sleep. I didn't know that sleeping in meant sleeping til 7:00 am (and it's glorious!) Whoever came up with sleeping like a baby, obviously did not have a baby.

I didn't know that meal time would be such an endeavor. I thought you just put any food in front of a child and they feed themselves. I didn't know that spoon feeding a baby (at least my babies) was a Broadway musical and they had to entertained with change of toys and parental cheers with every bite. I thought that after they passed the spoon-feeding stage that you're in the clear. I thought I finally get to eat my food while it was still somewhat hot. I was not anticipating that my daughter eats the pace of a sack of potatoes. It drives me crazy that sometimes that I think that Armageddon and the Rapture will happen before Natallie gets through her breakfast. I didn't know that each meal time with a toddler resulted in the floor looking like a butternut squash or spaghetti bomb had gone off. I didn't know that you could spend hours pureeing vegetables and fruits and making your own baby food but your kid would rather just eat dirt.

I didn't know that being a mother would be the greatest test of strength of my marriage. I didn't know that it was possible that a husband could feel unloved because his wife prioritized the children before him. I didn't know that it would be so hard to have a 10 minute conversation about the day. I didn't know that after July 2011, it would be literally impossible to find a photo of just the two of us. I didn't know that while we lavished kisses and cuddles to our children that we would go to bed without even acknowledging how the other person's day was.  I didn't know how jealous I could feel that the person beside me could sleep 8 hours a night while I got up around the clock. I didn't know how much I missed time together until we prioritized our marriage and got date night back on track. I didn't know how much I needed words of affirmation until we starting leaving daily post-it notes of encouragement to each other. I didn't know how much of an impact "you're a great mom!" on a post-it note would have on getting through another tantrum or another bad night.

the only photo I could find of the two of us after 2011

pre-baby romance

post-baby romance

the wall of encouragement

I didn't know how deeply I could love my children. I tell the kids all the time "I love you to the moon and back!" and now that Natallie is older, she comes up with her own sayings of places she thinks is far like "I love you to the library and back!" or "I love you to playground and back!"I think of when Noah was 5 months old and in the hospital hooked up to every blinking machine, I would of figured out how to get to the moon if that was what would save him.

I didn't know that being a mother would leave stretch marks not just across my belly but also stretch my heart - my capacity to give and nurture beyond what I knew I had in me. I didn't know how much my entire being could love being a mother so much....that when God calls us His children that there really is no love deeper than a parent's unconditional, unrelenting love for His children. I remind myself of this when I can't have a shower longer than one minute before the wailing baby tries to climb in or cooking dinner with him on my hip and wishing I could figure out how to crack an egg with one hand and sometimes just wanting to crawl into a cave (or at least the closet) and wish things were easier. I remember that if I did get to sleep in, pee and shower without an audience, eat at a restaurant without a happy meal or constantly being needed that I wouldn't have the very things that I treasure with my heart and soul.  I am so honored that these two little monkeys call me their mama.

Happy Mother's Day to you all.