you only get today once.

I am a first born. Apparently Type A. Goal-oriented, conscientious, controlling, multi-tasker and have high expectations of myself and others. I like order. I like predictability. Schedules and routines make me happy. I need control. I analyze behaviour and make plans to change and control them for a living. Really.

My 6 month old baby is well, a baby. When he is awake, he is usually cheerful, giggly, curious and drooling. He is adorable but he is not predictable.

 I need to leave the house, he poops up to his armpits.
I want him to take the bottle, he refuses. I buy every bottle that other moms said worked for their baby, he still refuses. Maybe I can start growing plants in my collection of bottles.
I want him to nurse. He rather suck on his toes instead.
I need him to take a long nap, he is wide awake after 10 minutes...it's more like a long blink than a nap.
I crave a long uninterrupted night of sleep. He wants to nurse all night.
I wish I could sleep in. He doesn't want to miss a sunrise.

I have had an epiphany. It was about a week or so ago. I was in tears. I wanted Noah to fall asleep on his own. He wanted to nurse and snore in my arms. I didn't let him fall asleep and put him in his crib awake and apparently really mad. I was listening to him wail and feeling like the wicked witch of the west. I wanted to go pick him up but that was against The Plan. The Plan said let him cry, go in after 15 minutes and pat him for 2 minutes and then leave. Then listen to him wail for 20 minutes and think about how this is for his own good.  The Plan said it is just a simple case of extinguishing an undesired behaviour.

My dear husband could tell this was agonizing for me and said ever so eloquently, "He's not a lab rat or a case study. He's just a freaking baby. He doesn't need a behaviour analyst right now, he just needs his mom"

And something clicked for me. Yes, he is a baby. He's my baby. He's my gift from God and I get to be his mommy. He is not a client in need of a behaviour plan. He is a baby in need of a cuddles and kisses and right now middle of the night and early morning feedings when I wish I was sleeping. I realize that there are many circumstances of motherhood that I can't control. And believe me, I tried so, so, so hard to control them. Again and again, I was unable to make my baby do what I wanted when I wanted that the joy in being his mom had vanished. This is not OK.

 You only get this day once. My baby will never fit into his newborn clothes again, he doesn't sleep for hours on my chest anymore. He will only be 6 months old for a few more weeks. I will read this in a year and only have memories of what it was like to have a 2.5 year old toddler and a 6 month old. I want those memories to be cherished ones.
Today will never happen again. I can't go back and wish I was more patient, more spontaneous, more care-free and less neurotic. You only get today once.

I'm going to go cuddle my kids and make this a good day.