no-so-little anymore.

Dear Nallie-bear,
You just graduated preschool and you probably won't even remember but you were so excited leading up to your graduation ceremony. You sang your graduation song "We are Ready" so many times that even Noah was singing about being ready to leave preschool and going to kindergarten. We picked out the prettiest dress ever (from Value Village of course for $4.99) and Grandma even drove 6 hours to watch you walk across the stage and get your 'preschool diploma' and kids bible. I am thinking you probably won't remember this (it's OK I don't remember mine either) so that I why I am writing this now.

You have grown so much in this last year. This preschool has been so good for you. I look at this picture of you from September 2015 and your cheeks are still so chubby I want to munch on them. You were excited and nervous to start at a new school. This time you had one of your best friends at your side. That makes all the difference. Plus your teachers were so kind and nurturing. There never was a day of not wanting to go to preschool.  After your not-so-great experience with 'old preschool', I was hesitant to put you in any program and I am so glad I did.

And last couple of weeks have been epic growth for you (and me). I realize how much of an introvert you are. You had your first week of church camp. I knew it was going to be intense to do all those field trips with a big group of kids that you don't know. It was  hard to let you be away from me all day. You knew one friend but didn't know any one else. It was hard to leave you every morning. You would cling onto me and I would have to peel you off. Some days tears would be streaming down your face because you were scared and anxious about being at camp. Part of me wanted to scoop you up and just take you home but I knew you could do it and if I took you home you wouldn't know how brave you could be. So I would pray for you and leave you sobbing. That part sucked.

Good thing my mom-instincts were right.

Every day on the ride home, you would be chattering about the songs you learned, the craft you made and that you wish you could go to camp every day. But somehow every morning, the nervous butterflies set in again and drop off at 9:00am were a teary affair. One day I heard you praying aloud before camp, "Dear God, please help me be brave today. Amen." That made my soul smile. I am so proud of you my love.

This week was another camp at a different church. I was worried for Noah since it would be his first time going but it was actually you who was  anxious  every morning. You are such an introvert. Such a sweet, gentle, beautiful spirit. You take in everything from the sidelines and when you get home, you are a non-stop chatterbox showing me everything you did at camp. You know all the actions to the songs. You can recite the bible verse. But apparently at camp, you are too nervous to say anything. That's OK sweetheart. I love you just the way God created you.

You just turned 5 today.

It was a fabulous perfect day. We did rides all day at Playland. You were fearless today. Its so ironic that dancing at church camp is more frightening to you than any roller coaster.

You are starting kindergarten soon. I can't believe I only have one more month left til you go to kindergarten. You are going to rock kindergarten. I know it. But I am also dreading it because I am going to miss you. Like SO much. I feel like life is on fast-forward and I would just like to pause it or freeze it permanently because it's beautiful and I am not sure what is ahead. Life with you two is so loud and exhausting and messy and sometimes unbearably whiny but its also so enriching, fulfilling and altogether life-giving. I love it. I really do. I am scared that things are going to be different when you aren't here with me all day. Noah needs his big sister. I need my little girl. But I guess you aren't so little anymore. Wasn't it yesterday that I was letting you hold my fingers as you took your first steps in our old house? Wasn't it yesterday that we used to slide you back and forth across our kitchen floor like an air hockey puck? (seriously, you totally loved it) Wasn't it yesterday that you were signing 'more' with your pudgy hands? Wasn't it yesterday that you were my shadow and I'd vacuum the house with you glued to my hip?

And you're 5 now? Seriously, where is the pause button, how did this happen?

Well sweetheart, as much as this growing up thing is scaring me....I could not be more proud of the beautiful, introspective and inquisitive little girl you are becoming. I guess you are not-so-little anymore....sorry it's going to take some getting used to. Happy Birthday my love!